Ahhh…that crisp autumn air drifts through my window. It is the bearer of strange tidings. You waitin’ for me to say I can’t wait to dress up for Halloween? Oooh, how about Thanksgiving! Aw…such priceless family time (*wipes a tear away*). Psych! Y’all know you just like fall ‘cause Christmas is ‘round the corner! Yeah, just admit it; you know I’m right. Of course, Christmas really is all about celebrating the birth of mankind’s only hope (that’s Jesus for those of you who’ve spent the past few thousand years under a rock…. But then again, it goes without saying that giving gifts has come to be an important part of Christmas. Actually, let’s be frank. What would Christmas be without gifts? Just another pagan celebration made to look like a Christian holiday. But we all know that subject’s been beat to death already, so let’s reserve that talk for Good Friday or Easter… So, what I really want to talk about is gifts. It brings such joy to my eyes to see someone truly enjoying a gift. Hey now, I’m not talking about that fake crap! You’re all guilty of it. You know you’ve done it. Like the time your aunt promised you a big surprise, and you tore open the wrapping paper to find a lavender, embroidered sweater. That was so sweet of you to pretend it was cooler than your little brother’s new game system. How come I never see you wearing it anymore? Well, suppose you didn’t actually wear that purple monstrosity for a while (I don’t know why you wouldn’t…I hear they’re all the rage at the senior center…, but then, later on, your aunt confronts you on it. What really sucks about this is now you definitely can’t buy a different sweater by yourself that you actually do like because, if you wear it and she sees you cheating on her sweater—wait. Rewind—scratch that. Let’s say you sold it because you have a cool friend (debatably) who has a weird fetish for purple sweaters. But because your friend just had to have it, you charged her up the rear-end for it so you could buy that awesome messenger bag at Hot Topic (some friend you are!). Well, that’s cool and all, but now there’s a storm coming. Yeah, you remember that crazy aunt I was telling you about? You’d better come up with something quick, ‘cuz a missing sweater that she spent six months on is NOT gonna fly. Guess what? Today’s your lucky day because I know exactly what you should do. You know what to tell her? Tell her the difference between “giving gifts” and “ermanently lending responsibility.” What’s that? You don’t know what that is? It’s this crazy new theory developed through this crazy new process called…wait, what’s it called? It’s…um…don’t tell me. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Don’t tell me. It’s…thinking! That’s it! Thinking! So, if you logically analyze the whole situation—not just your sweater, but also the whole “’tis the season” deal—your aunt didn’t really give you that sweater. You think that’s your sweater? Ha! If it was your sweater, you could have chewed it up and used it to pick up your doggy doo. No, you see, your aunt permanently lent you the responsibility of watching out for this eyesore. Note that this is a circular process; part of the responsibility comes from the fact that it’s not really yours since she technically only lent it to you, and, due to this responsibility, you can’t do whatever you want with it. Since you can’t do whatever you want with it, it ain’t your sweater! It really is a little known fact that one of the main problems with this is that such circular thinking turns the otherwise rational process of gift giving into a quite emotional activity. I would like to be the first to say that it is due to this silliness that the holiday season is really so fraught with curses. Yeah, that’s right: curses. Indeed, keep a good eye out this year for so called “gifts” that are really nothing more than a curse of responsibility. Merry Christmas!